Argumentative Essay

Natalie Abendschein

Dr. Marquard

ENG 1060-013

25 April 2013

Divorce and the Effect It Has On Children: An Argumentative Essay

Introduction

            Divorce seems to be a growing trend among our society today.  People get married at such young ages because they think that they have found the person they want to spend forever with.  People even get married because they end up conceiving a child together and think that getting married is what is best for the child, even if they are unsure how they feel about the other person.   A divorce isn’t that big of an issue when there is no child in the middle.  However, Liz Trinder, Joanne Kellet, and Louise Swift state, that when a child is involved, the divorce of their parents can have a major effect in their lives.  The age of the child does determine the effect the divorce has on them though.  For instance, if the child is younger, the divorce of their parents is going to affect them more than a child who is in their preteens to teenage years.  A young child involved in a divorce might feel as if they have to choose a side or can even feel like they are the reason their parents are getting a divorce.   It is important to understand in detail, the different ways that divorce can affect a child.

            With divorce being an overwhelming experience for not only the child, but also the parents involved, it can often lead to a lack in parenting skills that affects the child.  A child should not feel as if they have to pick a side and should be able to feel close with both parents and have a strong relationship with both of them.  However, sometimes the child may feel as if they should choose a side so to say, but as Elizabeth Altmaier and Raelynn Maloney state in their article, “it is important to improve parenting post-divorce by enhancing interpersonal and emotional connections in a parent-child relationship.”  The Mindful Parenting Program has also been designed to help parents and their children interact and connect.  Further information on this program will be mentioned later in this essay.  So with that being stated, there are multiple articles during my research that were found addressing this topic on divorce.  Comparing these articles and understanding the ways to improve these relationships will help anyone involved in a divorce with children in talking to their child and understanding how their child feels and how they can help them so the child doesn’t feel as if they are to blame.

            To prove the above claim, this essay will argue three different ideas.  First off, this essay will take a look at how a child involved in a divorce acts in school and the ways their teachers and counselors help them.  Secondly, this essay will argue if having both parents involved in the child’s life is more beneficial to the child as opposed to having only one parent involved.   Finally, this essay will argue that this research can effectively be used and look at a child before a divorce, and after a divorce.  After arguing and proving these three ideas, it will become easier to see how the parenting skills can be lacked, but it will also give reason on how to fix their parenting not only for their child, but for them as well.

How Schools Help Children Involved in a Divorce

            Divorce can happen at any time.  Not every divorce happens during summer when children are out of school.  Children, especially elementary aged children are prone to have a much larger and harder effect of their parents’ divorce.  As stated by the U.S. Census Bureau in 2000, “each year in the United States, more than one million children experience parental divorce.”  In an article written by Marianne Connolly and Eric Green, they state, “Projections indicate that by age 18, approximately 40% of children will experience their parents’ divorce” (3).  Connolly and Green also state, “empirical research confirms that children of divorce are at an increased rate for the development of psychological, behavioral, social, and academic problems” (3).  School is where a child spends 8 hours of their day Monday through Friday and for nine months out of the year.  It is important that the teachers and the counselors know about children who are going through a divorce and understand how they are acting in order to help them.  Some children might feel as if they have no one at home to talk to and unleash their feelings, causing them to keep it bottled up inside of them and act in ways they normally do not.  As Connolly and Green state, “school is a familiar setting for children and can provide them with a natural support network of classmates and teachers” (11).  It is important for a child to feel comfortable with their teachers and their counselors.  Research from Connolly and Green confirms that, “teachers rate children from divorced families higher on factors such as heightened anxiety surrounding academic failure, the inability to reflect, irrelevant talk, and inattention (6).  Connolly and Green also state, “research indicates that children of divorce attend less school, watch more television, do less homework, and have less parental supervision of their schoolwork” (7).  School counselors can help children cope with their feelings and help them adjust to living with the divorce while maintaining good grades in school. 

The research that Connolly and Green discuss is called Evidence-based practices, which is a movement within psychology and education to identify, disseminate, and promote the use of practices with demonstrated empirical support (8).  The use of evidence-based practices in school counseling requires professionals to learn more about their students and interventions and how to evaluate and improve their program (Connolly, Green 9).  A child should be able to develop a trusting relationship with their school counselor.  They should be able to feel that they can go and speak with the counselor and know that they will not be judged or scared to say how they really feel about their parents’ divorce.  A counselor is trained to be there to help a person in need and provide the best advice and counseling for them.  School-based interventions that focus on developing effective coping styles, clarifying misconceptions, developing realistic appraisals of control, and providing accurate attributions for parental problems have been shown to be associated with better adjustment in school (Connolly, Green 11).  As a counselor, they should involve the parents as well as the teacher to provide the best outcome.  Being able to have everyone involved in the child’s life will help the child better cope and help the teacher understand behavior issues the child may have and help the parents’ understand their child’s feelings better (Connolly, Green 22).  Most importantly, frequent communication and updates with the parents’ is crucial in making a positive and effective change (Connolly, Green 20).

            The article by Richard Weissbourd also ties into how school counselors and teachers can help a child cope with divorce.  In his article, Weissbourd states some of the same things that Connolly and Green stated in their article.  Weissbourd suggests that teachers and parents should put aside their feelings and focus on the feelings of the child so they can better understand them mentally and emotionally (31).  It is critical that a teacher know about a child’s home life.  Granted, every child involved in a divorce is different, but if they know about the divorce, it can help them develop a relationship with the child that they both can understand and deal with together.  Some can argue that every child deals with divorce differently, which is true, but ultimately it is important for the counselors, teachers and parents to develop a relationship with the child that everyone can understand and learn to cope with the divorce whether they show signs of distress or not (Connolly, Green 22).

            This first idea helps support the claim of this paper.  By having the child’s teachers and school counselors involved in the situation at hand, one can take the initiative to bond with the child and understand what they are thinking and feeling.  Once they have made that connection with the child, it can become very beneficial for everyone involved.  While some might argue that the child’s teachers and other school officials should not be involved in this personal matter, this research helps prove that having these connections can be very beneficial to everyone involved.

Both Parents vs. One Parent

            When a couple gets divorced, in some cases there can be much issue with who should have primary custody of the child and when the other parent should be able to see the child.  Some divorces can become very nasty over these issues, but what they are failing to realize is they are not hurting themselves, they are hurting their child.  Legal disputes over the child’s wellbeing can cause a very large impact on the child.  Some parents feel that the other parent should have no contact with the child at all; wanting them to sign their rights away and just become a distant memory (Brown 44-45).  In the article written by Joanne Kellet, Louise Swift, and Liz Trinder, they state, “one key area of debate concerns whether more contact with non-resident parents, typically fathers, is associated with more positive outcomes for children” (181).  Also, the authors state, “to date, research findings suggest that children retaining a warm and close relationship with non-resident fathers who continue to pay child support tend to do better” (181). 

It is important that a child feels close with both parents, even if they do not see one every day.  This can be achieved at a much better pace if both parents are cordial to each other rather than having conflict between them.  Even if there is conflict and hard feelings between the parents, it is beneficial for the child if they do not show that around the child.  After all, it is the child who is suffering the most and conflict between parents only causes greater stress for the child.  “The most positive adjustment was amongst children where the reporting parent was under less strain and had fewer concerns about the parenting capacity of the other parent” (181).  The primary focus post-divorce is the needs and feelings of the child.  There were many different studies discussed in this article, however the child adjustment measure (SDQ), was the most important one.  The SDQ is a 25 item scale with five sub-scales: conduct problems, hyperactivity, emotional symptoms, peer problems and pro-social behavior.  The first four sub-scales can be summed to give a total difficulties score, with higher scores indicating more problem behavior (183).  It is important to understand how the SDQ uses measurements of the child to determine the emotional and behavioral wellbeing of them (183).  As the research states, “higher scores indicate more behavior problems” (183).

            The child should not feel as if they need to pick a side and should be able to talk to both parents about what they are feeling.  If that strong connection is developed between the child and both parents, as well as both of the parents getting along for the sake of the child, it is much easier for the child to cope with the divorce and be able to move on from it.

            The article by Joseph H. Brown, Pedro Portes, Kathy Saylor, and Manbeena Sekhon suggest a similar approach.  In their article, they conducted a study known as the Divorce Adjustment Inventory-Revised (DAI-R).  The study is completed by parents and children to measure the child’s adjustment before and after divorce.  It seems to be a very effective way in measuring the child’s adjustment because they are not only getting what the parents see and feel from the child, but also how the child feels which is the most important factor and the reason for the studies.  It also suggests that a strong parent-child relationship with both parents is most effective in helping the child cope (64). 

Also, in the article by Bonnie Mackey and Wade C. Mackey, it states that in some parts of the United States, the father is seen as optional, whereas in other parts of the United States the father is seen to be an essential part of the development of his child (139).  In addition to that, it also goes on to state, “that the on-going biological and residential social father improves his child’s chance of graduating high school” (139).  With both parents being in the child’s life, the child can feel a sense of being complete even though their parents are no longer together.  If both parents stand behind the child and help them every step of the way, the child might feel as if they can accomplish anything which is a very powerful feeling.  Although Mackey and Mackey inform the reader on how having a father in the child’s life can improve their chance of graduating, it still helps argue that both parents involved with the child are better than one.

This second idea also helps support the claim of this paper.  Having both parents involved in the child’s life helps the child cope better emotionally and mentally.  Also, with the parents being civil for the sake of their child, it makes the child feel closer to both of them and results in a more efficient recovery from the divorce.

Before and After Divorce

            With the mixed feelings a child encounters during a divorce, they might find it hard to ever feel the same or have that “family” life.  With the different research discussed previously, everyone involved in a child’s life is important in helping them with a divorce.  A child has their peers to talk to as well as their teachers and school counselors while they are at school.  Feeling as if they have that support at school can help them improve their academic standing as well as give them guidance on how to deal with their parents’ divorce.  A child’s peers who have already gone through a divorce or are going through one also can be very helpful to the child as well.  They are talking to someone their age and they can give each other advice on how they each cope with their feelings and possibly even suggest to each other new ways to cope. 

In addition to school life, there is also a program designed for parents and children going through a divorce. The Mindful Parenting Program, or MPP, was designed to help parents and children interact and to help the parents connect with the child by facilitating parents’ self-awareness, mindfulness, and intentionality in parenting (Altmaier, Maloney 1232).  It also talks about how the MPP helps parents turn around how they can sometimes criticize, anger, or even withdraw from their child without meaning to.  It helps the parents reconnect with their child and help them listen to the child and help them cope with the divorce mentally and emotionally (Altmaier, Maloney 1232).  With reading and understanding the MPP, parents can better cope with their feelings, as well as their child’s feelings, and help them develop a better and stronger relationship with their child during a hard time in both of their lives. Altmaier and Maloney also state, that it is important to improve parenting post-divorce by enhancing interpersonal and emotional connections in a parent-child relationship (1237).  By doing this, the child will maintain a positive relationship with both parents and better cope with feelings associated with divorce and be able to connect emotionally with both of the parents. 

Mixing all of this research together will help parents understand what their child may be feeling and help them make the changes they need in order to provide and focus on their child.  If the parents realize these factors and take the steps to change it, the child involved will eventually be able to overcome the fact that their parents got divorced and be able to move on and enjoy life with each of the parents and maintain a strong, open relationship with each of them. 

This final idea also helps support the claim of this paper.  By having parents going through a divorce use the many different strategies proven to work in this essay, they can take the steps needed to help their child cope and understand that the divorce is not their fault.  Also, they can learn ways to bond and make a strong relationship with their child.  In addition, the parents can better understand themselves and change their ways in order to better provide for the child. 

Conclusion

            After reading all of this, one might be able to argue that every divorce is different and every child is different.  This is very true, but ultimately, even if the child does not show signs of distress and they act as if they don’t care, they actually do deep down.  No child wants to have to go through the pain of their parents getting a divorce, even if it is for the best.  In our society today, it seems like one cannot turn on the television or radio without hearing about gang activity, drugs, or other crimes.  Sure most of them are adults, but some are also teenagers.  If parents involved in a divorce can take a stand and make the change and understand their child and help their child cope and make that strong parent-child relationship, the children in our society might have a better outlook and perspective on life and the world.  They might even want to continue what their parents did for them and make a career out of it or just help kids who need that one person to talk to who understands how they feel.  All it takes is understanding and change, and if society can recognize that and understand what this essay has argued, the children involved in divorce today might grow up and make a change in the world.  It all begins with not one, but both parents making the change for the sake of their child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Works Cited

Altmaier, Elizabeth, and Raelynn Maloney. "An Initial Evaluation of a Mindful Parenting Program." Journal of Clinical Psychology. 63. (2007): 1231-1238. Print.

Brown , Joseph H. , Pedro Portes, Kathy Saylor, and Manbeena Sekhon. "Assessing Children's     Adjustment to Divorce Stress: A Validation of the Divorce Adjustment Inventory-            Revised Scales Through Family Functioning and Child Adjustment Standard Measures."      Journal of Divorce & Remarriage. 44.1/2 (2005): 47-70. Print.

Brown, Thea. "An evaluation of a new post-separation and divorce parenting program." Family    Matters. 78. (2008): 44-51. Print.

Connolly, Marianne, and Eric Green. "Evidence-Based Counceling Interventions With Children   of Divorce: Implications for Elementary School Counselors." Journal of School             Counseling. 7. (2009): 1-37. Print.

Ford, David, and Kenneth Kickham. "Are State Marriage Initiatives Having an Effect? An Initial            Exploration of the Impact on Divorce and Childhood Poverty Rates." Public     Administration Review. 69.5 (2009): 846-854. Print.

Kellet, Joanne, Louise Swift, and Liz Trinder. "The Relationship Between Contact and Child       Adjustment in High Conflict Cases after Divorce or Separation." Child and Adolescent      Mental Health. 13.4 (2008): 181-187. Print.

Mackey, Bonnie, and Wade Mackey. "Father Presence and Educational Attainment: Dad as a      Catalyst for High School Graduates." Education. 133.1 (2012): 139-150. Print.

Pedro-Carroll, JoAnne, and Sara Sutton. "A Two-Year Follow-up Evaluation of a Preventive        Intervention for Young Children of Divorce ." School Psychology Review. 28.3 (1999):       467-476. Print.

Sanz-De-Galdeano, Anna, and Daniela Vuri. "Parental Divorce and Students' Performance:          Evidence from Longitudinal Data." Oxford Bulletin of Economics and Statistics . 69.3        (2007): 321-338. Print.

Weissbourd , Richard. "The Schools We Mean to Be." Educational Leadership. 66.8 (2009): 26-   31. Print.